||[27 Jan 2005|08:12pm]
I spent four hours in my old neighbor hood today. I didn't remember anything looking that bad.
I went down Renic, the old street I lived on, every house was weather torn, broken, tattered, it was horrible.
It made me feel really..uneasy. I don't really know what else to say..It just didn't give me a good feeling.
Everyone was there was so much meaner than I remembered, & it made me feel strange. I get taken advantage everywhere.
" What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this..? "
I belong in that city, I spent three years of my childhood there, I just got out before it sucked me in.
I went inside a store to use a restroom & decided to look around.
A young girl, standing there, her arms around a boys shoulders, one arm wrapped around her in an akward position, grabbing her in every inappropriate place, & his other hand flipping through the boxes of condoms.
I peeked over, & just..glared for a moment, before slipping away.
They looked younger than me...It was sickening in a way. I don't know.
It was just sad, everything looked darker than usual...The whole sky darkened in a matter of miles, clouds spread everywhere. It was eerie.
She closes the car door steping into what used to be familar territory, the sky looming above, clouds covering, the sun no where to be seen.
She grabs her sweatshirt, pulling it around her form softly, her fingers clentching the thin fabric.
She looks down at the ground, one foot a time stepping out from under her.
She sighs, shiving in the wind, taking a quick look at the sky, a feeling of hopelessness overcomes her.
She walks quicker, coming up to the building, she looks around, telling her mother she'll meet up in a bit.
She sneeks off behind a building, pulling out a 1/2 smoked cigarette, fumbling with matches.
She lights it, slamming her back into the wall behind her, she leans her head back against the wall, taking long drags, letting the smoke roll off her lips into the air.
She flicks the ashes to the ground, never looking back at them, her gaze fixated at the sky, she watches the clouds move & form slowly.
Something eerie in the air, she takes one last drag before dropping the cigarette into a puddle.
She stands there for a moment, shaking her head, thinking of her childhood.
She starts to hum to herself, & quickly leaves the back of the building, trying to find her mother.
She was always lost here.
She still is.
Girls like her don't belong in tough neighborhoods.
It's true. I don't. I don't know how to deal with...that. I used to. Before I reliezed it was bad, now it scares me. Downtown I can deal with, just not places from my past. I dont remember much to be honest, just the old house that was leaky & had the uneven floor, the roommate who taught me how to play with loaded guns, the boy with internal bleeding that i would push into rocks just to see if he would really die, the junkyard office we lived in with my mothers ex, the drunken parties in san leandro with drunk hispanic men who would cat call at me & the other little 5 year old children who were hidden behind a lazy boy trying to cry for our mothers, & the family's we'd make that would last for no more than 3 months...
They were nice to me, I would let everyone be nice...then they would leave.
Everyone would leave.
They'd relieze I wasn't worthy of their time, neither was my mom or my older brother.
Everyone gave up on us so easily, everyone still does, never really trying to help us.
I guess, that helps people understand somethings about me.
I don't know how to let people be nice anymore & believe it' genuine, & that it would leave in a week when they found someone better.
Remember this.. " Baby, I'll love you forever, but forever isn't infinitate, it's just until I find someone better & hotter than you. "
It's a real life love song, because it's true.
Everyone loves you forever, until they find someone: hotter, bettter, nicer, higher sex drive, more money.
Man. I'm pessimistic. I know.
But. Love me. & I'll love you forever.
It's a true story.