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The Recluse.

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Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

[28 Mar 2005|07:21pm]
Undeleted for a few moments.

I've moved.


New ElJay

Add me.

1 | Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

[21 Mar 2005|11:31pm]
Fuck you Mikey.
Telling me who I can and can't see.
When you're the one who flaked on me & expects me to make plans to meet up with you & everyone else downtown, when you all ditched me.

3 | Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

[21 Mar 2005|07:26am]
DowntownPictures.Collapse )

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

The city is singin' for dancers in the night. [21 Mar 2005|07:19am]
Caravaning downtown, during the Evening with 8 people between two cars is such a nice thing to do.
Throwing old chinese food at the other car on the freeway.
Parking in Cathedral parking, then walking out reliezing what it is & screaming at the top of their lungs.
Knife fights in the parking garage with the boys.
Walking through KStreet Mall, smoking cigarettes & laughing.
"Only mall I like, bitches. I can smoke in here."
Linkbetween Downtown & old town, dances & blocking the "free flow of pedeserian traffic."
Fudge, & passing smoke.
Splinters & large bears, tears from the cynical girl.
Racing back to downtown, holding hands.
Heading over to 17th & 0, chilin' at the apartment.
" See. My friend got held up at gun point right there. "
8:36, heading back into town, listening to bad rap, & avoiding cars.
Aimless driving, Cory is sleepy, 7-11 parking lots.
Me passing out in the front seat.
"Adidas evolution doom."

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

Paaaartyyyyy. [13 Mar 2005|11:27am]
The party was fun.
Hpnotiq is amaaaaaaaazing, so are incredible hulks & toolboxes.
" You're not a hippy, you fucking littered, Faggot. "
Vanilla cigars make me feel like a mafia boss.

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

o__O [12 Mar 2005|02:17pm]
People need to stop being stupid, that'd be cool.Really, It would be.
Party @ the J-Man's house, for his & Kiel's birthdays. 23 & 20.
Tomorrow is party @ the Libby's for Libby's 18th.
Kasi is in town, it's nice.
Everything is going good.
Drama got solved.
Rachel is still insane.
Waiting for J-Man, Stephanie & Kasi to pick me up, I think they got lost.

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

OhEmGee. Teh. Cute. [08 Mar 2005|08:20pm]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

Honestly. [27 Feb 2005|12:39pm]
This applies to so many people it's not even funny.

Get. The. Fuck. Over. Yourself. And. Her. She. Doesn't. Care. Or. Love. You. Anymore. She. Never. Will.

You. Had. Your. Moment. She. Did. Care. She. Just. Found. What. She. Always. Wanted. In. Someone. Else.

If you really loved her, you'd be happy that she was happy & you'd let her go.

For the love of everything, Just let her go.

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

Sippin' 40's. [25 Feb 2005|03:15pm]
Good times, good good times.
All is dealt with.
Good times.
I need money.
and a job

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

So. [24 Feb 2005|11:50pm]
Drama. Drama. Drama.

Two things you don't do.
Give out numbers.
Get the women involved.
Two things they did.
Gave out my number.
Got me involved.

Never good.

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

[19 Feb 2005|10:06am]
Dance magic dance!

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

" Go...Where you want to.." [18 Feb 2005|07:06am]
" You c o u l d n ' t ever love me more. "

It's raining. No insurance. Not having to work. I get to be selfish again.


Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

[13 Feb 2005|10:02am]
" Hello. "
" Hey There.. "
" Who is this .. "
" I'll give you a guess .. "
" Who..Are you .. "
" Topher .."
" Chris ? "
" Bingo. "
" I - I - I can't talk right now.. "
" Why "
" I just can't. "

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

[11 Feb 2005|06:55am]
Chris is back...

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

Toooooo Mannnny. [03 Feb 2005|07:02am]
Too many muscle relaxers & pain pills.
my stomach is hating life.

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

All those lovers are Liars, I'll never lie to you. [02 Feb 2005|06:59am]
"What have I done? You're no lover, & I'm no fighter. "

I'm sorry things happened the way they did..
I'm tired of feeling bad everytime I post in here...

The past month or so has been really nice..Really nice...I love the time me & him spend together, Ilove him. I love the time we're with everyone else...
It's really nice.
I'm sorry I'm so happy.

I don't remember happy times of my life...I really don't...As I told him random things about my life last night I felt like a small child presenting show & tell to a college class room, all her heart break & tragedy never seeming that big.

I don't mean to make a sob story out of things, I don't think i had it bad..Ever. Which is weird.

School is soon, I don't want to go, though I never want to..
I have a test in photo, but I know I'm going to pass it...
Physics I have to do a presentation about Scalar quanities & such.
History I have a current event due, which I didn't due. Damnit.
Economics I just have to sit & watcha movie.
Either way, School means Park, Park means Kiel..I like that idea.

1 | Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

[30 Jan 2005|05:10pm]
..I don't feel like me anymore.

I lost something important.

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

[27 Jan 2005|08:12pm]
I spent four hours in my old neighbor hood today. I didn't remember anything looking that bad.
I went down Renic, the old street I lived on, every house was weather torn, broken, tattered, it was horrible.
It made me feel really..uneasy. I don't really know what else to say..It just didn't give me a good feeling.
Everyone was there was so much meaner than I remembered, & it made me feel strange. I get taken advantage everywhere.
" What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this..? "
I belong in that city, I spent three years of my childhood there, I just got out before it sucked me in.
I went inside a store to use a restroom & decided to look around.

A young girl, standing there, her arms around a boys shoulders, one arm wrapped around her in an akward position, grabbing her in every inappropriate place, & his other hand flipping through the boxes of condoms.
I peeked over, & just..glared for a moment, before slipping away.
They looked younger than me...It was sickening in a way. I don't know.
It was just sad, everything looked darker than usual...The whole sky darkened in a matter of miles, clouds spread everywhere. It was eerie.
She closes the car door steping into what used to be familar territory, the sky looming above, clouds covering, the sun no where to be seen.
She grabs her sweatshirt, pulling it around her form softly, her fingers clentching the thin fabric.
She looks down at the ground, one foot a time stepping out from under her.
She sighs, shiving in the wind, taking a quick look at the sky, a feeling of hopelessness overcomes her.
She walks quicker, coming up to the building, she looks around, telling her mother she'll meet up in a bit.
She sneeks off behind a building, pulling out a 1/2 smoked cigarette, fumbling with matches.
She lights it, slamming her back into the wall behind her, she leans her head back against the wall, taking long drags, letting the smoke roll off her lips into the air.
She flicks the ashes to the ground, never looking back at them, her gaze fixated at the sky, she watches the clouds move & form slowly.
Something eerie in the air, she takes one last drag before dropping the cigarette into a puddle.
She stands there for a moment, shaking her head, thinking of her childhood.
She starts to hum to herself, & quickly leaves the back of the building, trying to find her mother.
She was always lost here.
She still is.
Girls like her don't belong in tough neighborhoods.
It's true. I don't. I don't know how to deal with...that. I used to. Before I reliezed it was bad, now it scares me. Downtown I can deal with, just not places from my past. I dont remember much to be honest, just the old house that was leaky & had the uneven floor, the roommate who taught me how to play with loaded guns, the boy with internal bleeding that i would push into rocks just to see if he would really die, the junkyard office we lived in with my mothers ex, the drunken parties in san leandro with drunk hispanic men who would cat call at me & the other little 5 year old children who were hidden behind a lazy boy trying to cry for our mothers, & the family's we'd make that would last for no more than 3 months...
They were nice to me, I would let everyone be nice...then they would leave.
Everyone would leave.
They'd relieze I wasn't worthy of their time, neither was my mom or my older brother.
Everyone gave up on us so easily, everyone still does, never really trying to help us.
I guess, that helps people understand somethings about me.
I don't know how to let people be nice anymore & believe it' genuine, & that it would leave in a week when they found someone better.
Remember this.. " Baby, I'll love you forever, but forever isn't infinitate, it's just until I find someone better & hotter than you. "
It's a real life love song, because it's true.
Everyone loves you forever, until they find someone: hotter, bettter, nicer, higher sex drive, more money.
Man. I'm pessimistic. I know.
But. Love me. & I'll love you forever.
It's a true story.

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

o.o... [26 Jan 2005|07:01am]
So. Spring term is here, & I dont know, my classes are all classes that I actually have to buckle down in, which won't be too hard. Just I hate school.
My classes are.
-Photgraphy One.
-Is 3 Physics. ( I think I'm going to go for AP credits. )
-Economics / Speech.

I don't know, we dont even enter the dark room for 5 weeks, & We switch into Speech from Econ in Nine weeks, & I hate public Speaking, it's ridiculous.

I have to go to planned parenthood tomorrow, woo. Totally not looking forward to it.
Kiel & me are good, he has nothing to do with the planned parenthood incase you're all going WHORE. Or. Something.

Cut it out, your selfinflicting pain.

[25 Jan 2005|07:05am]
I did zombie make up!
I'm so bored.
& I'm going to look like a girl zombie for school.
Woop Woop.

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